Friday, December 18, 2009
Christmas Eve, the house will be filled with people and dogs. My son and his girlfriend will drive down from Denver to spend the night and my daughter and son-in-law from Kansas will be spending several days with us. Our son and daughter in law, who live in Colorado Springs, will be coming over with our granddaughter.
I close my eyes and take in the sounds and smells. The noise of laughter and voices talking over each other is sweet to my ears. My mouth is watering from the smell of the brisket cooking merrily in the oven. I open my eyes and peer at the lighted Christmas tree, the presents pushed under it spill out into the room.
For the first time in over six years all my children will be together. My heart swells with joy. I will be like a mother hen gathering her chicks under her wings.
Do you remember being disappointed as a child on Christmas morning when the one thing you really wanted wasn’t under the tree? It didn’t matter that you got boxes and boxes of gifts; the one thing you ached for was missing.
That ache is in my heart right now. After waiting for six years to have my children together we will miss the opportunity by one day. The vision is gone like a vapor blown away on the wind. My daughter will start a job on December 23 and they will not be able to make the drive from Kansas. She and her husband closed their retail business this summer and they have been looking for jobs for months. This job is a wonderful Christmas gift for them but their gift is my bitter pill.
Only another mother can understand the dull pain in my heart and the tears that well up at this loss. Some may think I am being foolish but this is what I am feeling right now and feelings are real. There is something precious and fulfilling in having your all your children around you at the same time. It is seeing and experiencing the fruit of your labors, loving and nurturing your children into adulthood. I would give anything to make this gathering happen, but I can’t.
I know that God will bring the healing balm of Gilead to my soul and that I will be able to have a thankful heart, but allow me a few days of lamenting and please don’t judge me.