"For skillful and godly Wisdom is better than rubies or pearls,
and all the things that may be desired are not to be compared with it." Proverbs 8:11 Amplified

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Broken


            Today I am down, have the blues, am depressed, whatever you want to call it. I sit quietly seeking why.

            At first I thought it was for selfish reasons, being away from home, my husband, children and grandchildren. That wasn’t the reason and it would have been a lot easier if it was because then I could have a good strong talk with myself and tell myself to get over myself.

            The source, which I now see as pain, is watching a woman lose herself and knowing I can do nothing to stop it.

            The past two days I’ve seen a change in my mother, and it saddens me. There is more confusion, responses to questions don’t make sense and the loss of words and using the wrong word increases. I ignore the incorrect; I will not shame her by pointing out her errors.

            She is bitter, angry and finds no pleasure in life which makes caring for her a challenge. I lose my temper when she speaks hurtful, untrue words about others (she believes they are true). I stop her ranting, telling her I don’t want to listen to this.

            Everything I say to her has to be repeated twice even if I have her attention the first time I say it. Unfortunately the second time I say it my tone is harsh. Today I’ve worked on repeating it with a lilt in my voice, oh, if only I could do this every time.

            Watching her today I wondered what her shrinking world was like. She can’t hear, can’t understand, she forgets, she thinks we are all thieves and want to take her house away from her. She hates crowds (anything over 2 or 3 people is a crowd), she can’t stand noise (even restaurants are a trial because of conversations all around her she can’t track with anything). My sister and I attempt to bring some enjoyment into her life but unfortunately she can’t find pleasure in anything, all things are bad. We keep trying.

            Her world has become so small and I know it will shrink more and more. I want to cut away the chains that are wrapping tighter and tighter around her mind, destroying it bit by bit but I can do nothing. Alzheimer’s is a foe that cannot be subdued.

3 comments:

Helen said...

My dear Diane, I love you. My heart beats with yours and cries over this ugly tragedy. I grieve with you, I pray for you. I love you.
Yes, Lord.
Father, open our eyes and our hearts and help us to make sense of the senseless. Show us Your mercy and compassion. Give us the mind of Christ, that we might be Christlike in all things.
In my own weak flesh, I wish I could do something to ease your sorrows and frustrations and unburden you somehow.
My understanding is frail, too.
Somehow Romans 8:28 just HAS to wind it's way through these mysteries.....
I love you, my friend.

Diane Marie Shaw said...

Helen, thank you for your love and friendship.
Obedience to God does not always guarantee an easy life but it is the only life to choose.
I may not recognize the "good" (Romans 8:23) until the end, I have to be okay with that.
God loves me, strengthens me and teaches me His ways.

diane homm said...

Diane, my heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing your heart during this most difficult time.