Today I am down, have the blues, am depressed, whatever you want to call it. I sit quietly seeking why.
At first I thought it was for selfish reasons, being away from home, my husband, children and grandchildren. That wasn’t the reason and it would have been a lot easier if it was because then I could have a good strong talk with myself and tell myself to get over myself.
The source, which I now see as pain, is watching a woman lose herself and knowing I can do nothing to stop it.
The past two days I’ve seen a change in my mother, and it saddens me. There is more confusion, responses to questions don’t make sense and the loss of words and using the wrong word increases. I ignore the incorrect; I will not shame her by pointing out her errors.
She is bitter, angry and finds no pleasure in life which makes caring for her a challenge. I lose my temper when she speaks hurtful, untrue words about others (she believes they are true). I stop her ranting, telling her I don’t want to listen to this.
Everything I say to her has to be repeated twice even if I have her attention the first time I say it. Unfortunately the second time I say it my tone is harsh. Today I’ve worked on repeating it with a lilt in my voice, oh, if only I could do this every time.
Watching her today I wondered what her shrinking world was like. She can’t hear, can’t understand, she forgets, she thinks we are all thieves and want to take her house away from her. She hates crowds (anything over 2 or 3 people is a crowd), she can’t stand noise (even restaurants are a trial because of conversations all around her she can’t track with anything). My sister and I attempt to bring some enjoyment into her life but unfortunately she can’t find pleasure in anything, all things are bad. We keep trying.
Her world has become so small and I know it will shrink more and more. I want to cut away the chains that are wrapping tighter and tighter around her mind, destroying it bit by bit but I can do nothing. Alzheimer’s is a foe that cannot be subdued.