Two Inches Tall and Growing

I haven’t blogged in a long time, depression probably was the main culprit that kept my fingers still. I guess caring for my mother 24/7 could have contributed to my lack of productivity too. The Alzheimer’s that slowly destroyed my mother’s brain took her life on September 19^th.

I’ve been back home in Colorado for four and a half weeks, those weeks have been filled with grief but not just for the loss of my mother. Disappointments that have plagued me for years and years are being faced for what they are and I’m making choices. I can allow my life to be stagnant…just continue on the path that has become a rut or I can step onto fresh ground, ground that God has staked with signposts saying, “come this way.”

One of my Christmas gifts from my daughter-in-law is the book, Start by Jon Acuff. I’ve only begun reading it but already my spirit is happy. Jon tells about the five stages that will take you from Average to Awesome. They are: Learning (happens in your 20’s), Editing (your 30’s), Mastering (your 40’s), Harvesting (your 50’s), and Guiding (your 60’s and up).

According to this I should be guiding but since I’ve not put all my energies into the path I should be on I’m starting at the beginning…Learning. So even though I am in my 60’s by the calendar, because I am beginning a new course I’m back in my 20’s. Woo Who, I like that!

I’m looking to discover who I am as God sees me. I’ve learned my self-perception has been viewed through filters that are not true. I’ve pressed down so much of myself that I feel about two inches tall. Discovering that all that is wrong in my life is not all my fault has been freeing.

I’ve got a lot of work to do to unlock the prison I have put myself in from wrong beliefs but at least now I know I can have a different life. A life more pleasing to my Lord Jesus.

Writing is my path and I jump on and off it not taking it seriously as my call from God. I want that to change and the gift from my daughter-in-law is a nudge from God telling me to “Start.”

Looking at my “writing bookshelves” I searched for a book that would encourage me to begin writing again. I picked out Behind the Stories – Christian novelists Reveal the Heart in the Art of Their Writing, complied by Diane Eble. As I’m reading the stories of some of my favorite Christian authors and their ups and downs on their path to writing for God I want to put the book down and pick up my pencil.

This morning I opened my emails and at the top was a blog post from writer Jeff Goins putting out a challenge to writers to commit to writing 500 words for thirty-one days.

Okay God. I hear you, I know it’s time to get serious. There is work to be done.

I may stumble and fall back into my rut but I have a daughter-in-law who believes in me and a God who won’t give up on me.

 

If you’d like to take Jeff Goins challenge you can find the information on his blog page.

http://goinswriter.com/

 

 

 

Reflections on National Novel Writing Month

Yesterday, November 30, NaNoWriMo wrapped up for another year. I again joined the almost 300,000 people from all over this globe, setting aside life for thirty days to challenge mind, body and spirit to a task that sounds doable at the beginning of the month. A task that takes guts, especially if you broadcast to family, friends and co-workers that you have jumped into the pool.

I hugely admire those who have full time jobs, children, marriages, volunteer jobs, and/or health issues. How have they accomplished this monumental task: by stealing hours from sleep, using lunch hours, writing while the kids are at their sporting events, dictating into a recorder while driving. I’m sure this list could be pages long, they used whatever moment they could because they had something to prove to others, maybe to themselves or perhaps there was a story in their heart that had to be put on paper. The reasons for writing a 50,000 word novel are as varied as the individuals doing the writing.

I became a NaNo winner for the fourth year in a row.

I now have four partially finished novels, one with a word count of over 83,000 words. What I have learned and how my writing has grown is the prize I focus on in this moment.

Philippians 3:12-14 in the Message translation says it so wonderfully.
I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back.

After this, my fourth NaNo, I will say:

• I am well on my way.
• I do not count myself an expert in all of this
• I’ve got my eye on the goal
• I’m off and running
• I’m not turning back

Not a bad vision to have in front of me as I set my goal to finish the novel I am presently working on. I don’t have a title for it but I do have the chapter titles, they are taken from Ecclesiastes 3.

There is a time for everything, and everything on earth has its special season.
There is a time to be born
and a time to die.
There is a time to plant
and a time to pull up plants.
There is a time to kill
and a time to heal.
There is a time to destroy
and a time to build.
There is a time to cry
and a time to laugh.
There is a time to be sad
and a time to dance.
There is a time to throw away stones
and a time to gather them.
There is a time to hug
and a time not to hug.
There is a time to look for something
and a time to stop looking for it.
There is a time to keep things
and a time to throw things away.
There is a time to tear apart
and a time to sew together.
There is a time to be silent
and a time to speak.
There is a time to love
and a time to hate.
There is a time for war
and a time for peace.

So with the month of November behind me but much writing ahead how am I feeling today? Tired, discouraged, frantic, disappointed. Most of all fearful that I will once again end up with a partially finished novel; I count that as failure. I know that some novels don’t deserve to be finished, however, unless I am able to write The End, even to a lousy, stinking piece of garbage how will I know that I can do this. God has called and whom He calls, He equips, so it is not God’s failure but mine if I don’t press through. He gives me an answer.

Ecclesiastes 3:9-13 Contemporary English Version

What do we gain by all our hard work? I have seen what difficult things God demands of us. God makes everything happen at the right time. Yet none of us can ever fully understand all he has done, and he puts questions in our minds about the past and the future. I know the best thing we can do is to always enjoy life, because God’s gift to us is the happiness we get from our food and drink and from the work we do.

He doesn’t promise it will be easy. Contentment waits for me at The End.

Now with Christmas twenty-five days away my focus shifts to the holidays, decorating the house, sending cards, cooking, shopping, wrapping, cleaning, family time.

Today I feel sad, tomorrow may be a day of dance.

Christmas Vision

Christmas Eve, the house will be filled with people and dogs. My son and his girlfriend will drive down from Denver to spend the night and my daughter and son-in-law from Kansas will be spending several days with us. Our son and daughter in law, who live in Colorado Springs, will be coming over with our granddaughter.

I close my eyes and take in the sounds and smells. The noise of laughter and voices talking over each other is sweet to my ears. My mouth is watering from the smell of the brisket cooking merrily in the oven. I open my eyes and peer at the lighted Christmas tree, the presents pushed under it spill out into the room.

For the first time in over six years all my children will be together. My heart swells with joy. I will be like a mother hen gathering her chicks under her wings.

Do you remember being disappointed as a child on Christmas morning when the one thing you really wanted wasn’t under the tree? It didn’t matter that you got boxes and boxes of gifts; the one thing you ached for was missing.

That ache is in my heart right now. After waiting for six years to have my children together we will miss the opportunity by one day. The vision is gone like a vapor blown away on the wind. My daughter will start a job on December 23 and they will not be able to make the drive from Kansas. She and her husband closed their retail business this summer and they have been looking for jobs for months. This job is a wonderful Christmas gift for them but their gift is my bitter pill.

Only another mother can understand the dull pain in my heart and the tears that well up at this loss. Some may think I am being foolish but this is what I am feeling right now and feelings are real. There is something precious and fulfilling in having your all your children around you at the same time. It is seeing and experiencing the fruit of your labors, loving and nurturing your children into adulthood. I would give anything to make this gathering happen, but I can’t.

I know that God will bring the healing balm of Gilead to my soul and that I will be able to have a thankful heart, but allow me a few days of lamenting and please don’t judge me.

Picture: MorgueFile