"For skillful and godly Wisdom is better than rubies or pearls, and all the things that may be desired are not to be compared with it." Proverbs 8:11 Amplified
Today I am
down, have the blues, am depressed, whatever you want to call it. I sit quietly
seeking why.
At first I
thought it was for selfish reasons, being away from home, my husband, children
and grandchildren. That wasn’t the reason and it would have been a lot easier
if it was because then I could have a good strong talk with myself and tell
myself to get over myself.
The source,
which I now see as pain, is watching a woman lose herself and knowing I can do
nothing to stop it.
The past two
days I’ve seen a change in my mother, and it saddens me. There is more
confusion, responses to questions don’t make sense and the loss of words and
using the wrong word increases. I ignore the incorrect; I will not shame her by
pointing out her errors.
She is
bitter, angry and finds no pleasure in life which makes caring for her a
challenge. I lose my temper when she speaks hurtful, untrue words about others
(she believes they are true). I stop her ranting, telling her I don’t want to
listen to this.
Everything
I say to her has to be repeated twice even if I have her attention the first
time I say it. Unfortunately the second time I say it my tone is harsh. Today
I’ve worked on repeating it with a lilt in my voice, oh, if only I could do
this every time.
Watching
her today I wondered what her shrinking world was like. She can’t hear, can’t
understand, she forgets, she thinks we are all thieves and want to take her
house away from her. She hates crowds (anything over 2 or 3 people is a crowd),
she can’t stand noise (even restaurants are a trial because of conversations
all around her she can’t track with anything). My sister and I attempt to bring
some enjoyment into her life but unfortunately she can’t find pleasure in
anything, all things are bad. We keep trying.
Her world
has become so small and I know it will shrink more and more. I want to cut away
the chains that are wrapping tighter and tighter around her mind, destroying it
bit by bit but I can do nothing. Alzheimer’s is a foe that cannot be subdued.
On Saturday I stumbled over
something I did not see. I wasn’t able to see the six inch high parking curb
because I had no light. If I had seen the danger in front of me I would have
taken evasive action, at least I like to think I would.
Walking in the dark is dangerous,
but a small light, aimed on the path, changes the dynamic drastically. Light
shows what is ahead: pot holes, trees or…parking curbs.
How much safer it is to have
illumination.
On the path of life choices, God,
by His Word and by the Holy Spirit, offers me all the light I need, why then do
I close my eyes to His direction and end up stumbling when I don’t need to.
My heavenly Father surely is
shaking His head as He watches me risk injury as I stumble in darkness when He
has provided light.
Angels were on each side of me that
day because I didn’t fall, miraculously, with a little bobbling, I remained
up-right.
I hope my near accident will open my eyes to
be attentive to the obstacles in life that God’s Word is anxious to deliver me
from.
Jesus once again
addressed them: “I am the world’s light. No one who follows me stumbles around
in darkness. I provide plenty of light to live in.” John 8:12 Message Bible
Saturday morning I watched a young woman line up with a
group of fit men and women of all ages, each one determined to conqueror a
fifty mile race.
After eight hours on the trails she had to relinquish that
goal, admitting that today it was not to be.
She arrived at the finish line in a car instead of running
through the finish chute. There were tears and slumped shoulders as she was
embraced by the director and co-director of the race and words of encouragement were
spoken for her ears only.
Some might say she failed today – that defeat won – but I
say she exhibited a champion’s spirit when she toed the line at six a.m.
Not many of us have experienced the physical and emotional
pain that comes when you have reached your limit and gone beyond, mentally
thinking…one more mile…when it is no longer possible, she has.
Mom and I are making good use of a beautiful day. After
weeding and lunch we are settled on the deck. Mom is reading and I am writing.
I don’t know if she spends much time outdoors but she will
while I am here. Sitting outside is on my top 10 list of things I enjoy doing.
However…sitting outside in dry Colorado is very different than sitting outside
in hot, humid Illinois.
Check back with me later in the summer to see how my deck
sitting forays are going.
A dry, warm day has arrived in Illinois. My mom and I spent
several hours pulling weeds, I pulled, she bagged. There is a lot more to do
but it is a start.
I love pulling weeds, there is something about removing what
does not belong to allow what does, more room to grow.
How like our lives. When we allow worldly things and
busyness to fill our lives there is no space for the God things to grow.
no forward motion,
no backward motion,
a standing still.
It can be okay, less stress,
but there is curiosity about why.
It is not a happy place
or a sad place,
only a place.
You want to move forward
but where you put your foot,
the next step,
is not there…yet.
So you wait and wonder.
When the hints start arriving
the magnitude of the motion that begins is unknown.
How fast, how far?
Faster and farther than you imagined,
or wanted to go,
but the momentum has begun
and there is no stopping it
because God is the one propelling you.
You put on the brakes
because the destination is frightening,
but you are leaving parts of you behind...
so you allow the force to carry you,
swallowing your fear
trusting God will take you
to your destination unharmed
and He will be there when you arrive.
I have been in a stall for months,
not a self-imposed stall
but a God-imposed stall.
It is over now
and I am roaring towards God’s radical destination for my life.
Extreme obedience is what is being required of me.
And I say yes
to God’s gentle command
for He did not hesitate
to send His Son Jesus to deliver me
from the destruction which would have been my end.
His cross,
giving his life,
has now become my cross,
giving my life for another.
Not the shedding blood kind of giving of my life
but laying down
what is precious to me.
Leaving behind my
husband,
children,
grandchildren,
friends,
writing group
and my church
and packing up for a move to Illinois
to become a twenty-four-hour in-home caregiver for my mother.
The woman who cared for me has a need.
As my mother was celebrating her 91st birthday in February
I did not know an insidious disease
was beginning to make its presence known.
No, it’s not cancer,
but another dreaded name:
Alzheimer’s.
As I’m studying about this affliction,
and making my packing list,
the tears linger.
Tears for what I am leaving behind
and tears for what I am going towards.
At times my heart seems to stutter,
I breathe deep and declare,
“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
Such a conflicting time,
Yet the peace of God is present.
I have no time frame
of my return to my home in Colorado.
God has that information and He is not saying.
Obedience is what He requires.
He has said, "go."
So I shall go.
I’ve not been this way before
but God knows the path
and He will not take me to a place
He has not already been
and isn’t already there.
My thoughts, says the Lord,are not like yours, and my ways are different from yours. As high as the heavens are above the earth, so high are my ways and thoughts above yours. Isaiah 55:8-9 GNT.
I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. Jeremiah 29:11
Are you in a Stall or does God have you racing to a new destination?
