Icky Stuff

 

Change:

 

› something that rattles around in the bottom of your purse or in your pants pocket,

› something you do to a baby when the odor is distinct,

 

 

› something you do to your tire when it becomes flat on one side, the side in contact with the pavement,

 

 

 

 

 

 

› something you do in the morning so your worst nightmare doesn’t come true and you end up at work in your pajamas.

 

 

Hey you can handle these types of change…although you might grumble a little about the baby and the tire, they're both messy jobs.

 

But what do you do with the changes that inflict physical manifestations: breathing becomes shallow, heart rate increases, knees become weak, and your tongue sticks to the roof of your mouth. Your mind repeats a mantra, “I don’t want to, I don’t want to.”

 

This unwanted course is imposed on you when God says, “Prepare yourself, change is coming.”

As if that’s not frightening enough, when you ask Him to elaborate, you hear only crickets.

Status Quo – remaining in your present condition may be preferable to entering the unfamiliar, even if the status quo is making you unhappy, at least you know what you have to face each day.

 

That “change” thing – who knows what that will mean – a new job, a move to another state, a change of churches, a change in a marital status, an internal change, a new car, a new house.

 

Personally, change is hard for me. When I left Illinois after nineteen months and returned to Colorado God told me to expect change. I still don’t know what that means but God has impressed a word on my mind—trust.

 

Not trust in the world or myself but trust in Him,

entrusting the details to Him.

 

Now, that I think I can do.

Enough

Life has its joys and sorrows. Each day has its ups and downs,
crazy turns and sudden stops.

Elitch Gardens

          Some days we would prefer staying in bed, covers over our head and blinds closed.

 

Photo by Diane Shaw

                                                               

Unfortunately what we are hiding from won’t go away while we retreat from the world.

But, that day in bed, that day closed off from what’s out there waiting for us, may be exactly what we need to do.

A day of rest is NOT a wasted day.

Bury the guilt, turn off your cell phone,

silence the ringer on the home phone, send the kids to grandma’s and the husband on a camping trip.

You will be a better, stronger and emotionally healthy person.

Renew your strength, it is a good thing. Even God rested.

“He gives power to the tired and worn out, and strength to the weak. Even the youths shall be exhausted, and the young men will all give up. But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:29-31 The Living Bible

 

Bald Eagle photo by: Marietta Kappel

                                            

Heart Beat

 

HEART BEAT

 

Lift my heart Lord

    From the despair within.

Fill me with your presence

    Show me your light.

 

Night time needs to be over,

    I need the glories of your Sun.

The pain is deep

    And brokenness overwhelms me.

 

Your challenge is to trust

    I am weary from the battle.

 

Can you see my unshed tears

    Bottled so deep inside?

They want to be shed

    But something I don’t see or

    Understand stops them.

 

I am tied to this place

    With invisible chains.

I want to break free

    But what if when the chains fall

    There is nothing left of me but dust.

 

I return to you, my true refuge

    Gasping for air, for peace and

    For my heart to beat without pain.

 

Heal me Lord as only you can.

    Put my feet upon a clear path.

 

Surround me with Love.

 

By Diane Marie Shaw    (Being Real)

The Note

“Daughter, you don’t understand my love, you think it has to do with what you do and don’t do. That is not it, you just don’t get it.

What do I have to do to show you my love, wasn’t giving my son on the cross enough. Wasn’t a crown of thorns on his head enough, wasn’t a cross enough.

What would be enough to show you how much I love you? I can’t do anymore, you receive it, believe it. I can’t do more, I have done it all.

It grieves me when you don’t believe me, I weep for you to understand. I will never leave you or forsake you, but you leave and forsake me.

You go around with thoughts running through your mind that you are not good enough, that you have nothing to offer, that you are not real, that you are fake and if anyone knew the real you they would not like you.

You go around trying to get everyone to like you, they already love you. You don’t know how many people love you including your husband. You touch hearts for me. I have put love in you and you know how to love but you don’t know how to receive love.

Lay your head in my lap and let me heal the hurts, some are ones you have inflicted on yourself because you don’t believe me. I want to heal them all to make you whole, nothing missing, nothing broken.

You are broken right now, there is pain in you right now, I did not put it there, you have it because you receive it, you put it there yourself because you refuse to just be who I created you to be.

You are a wonder. Right now you are refusing to receive it, you don’t feel worthy, you reject my gift to you. Just receive it.

Open your heart, it won’t burst, stop or bleed to death. Jesus already took the sword to his heart, so yours could be whole, healed and bursting with love, not condemnation. Never condemnation. If that is there it is not from me.

I convict where I see sin but I never condemn. You do that to yourself, you think less of yourself than I do. I see a…yes you must type it…I see a beautiful, holy, gracious, loving creation made in my image to do good, good, good works for me. You are able; you are created for me, for me. Not your husband, not the world but for me.

You and I have a pact, you come to me and I speak to you like I am doing right now. We are one, I in you, you in me. Feel it, you are whole, wholly mine, forever mine. Don’t leave me again.

I have work for you to do. I will, I will use you to write for my kingdom, for my glory. Hear my voice, listen to my spirit. I will give you the words, the ones that will impact and change lives.

Don’t worry, don’t work so hard, it will come and it will come easy. It will not be like others because I have declared that I need what you will do. I know that you are a vessel that I can trust. Your heart is pure and holy I can use you.

Go now. I love you.

Daddy”

 

I journal and God speaks back to me and I write what He speaks. This was from a journal entry of September 21, 2009.

As I read this today I was touched by God’s love but also pricked because He could write this same letter to me today because nothing has changed in me. Sad isn’t it. It is time for me to take up God’s image of me. He made it very clear how he sees me it is time for me to see myself this way too.

Reread this note from God, could He have written it to you?

Do you have a Godly image of yourself or have you allowed your image to be distorted by the world, your past and your doubts?

 

 

Question for Bloggers

If you have recently had a death in your family are you having a hard time blogging?

Do you feel empty?

Do you feel you have nothing to write about?

Are you avoiding blogging because you don’t want to bring others down because you can’t think of anything to write about but how awful you feel?

 

My mother passed away in September from Alzheimer's. I spent the last year and a half being her 24/7 caregiver in her home in Illinois.

I seem to be in a fog.

 



The only writing I am able to do is journaling and trust me, you wouldn't want to see what is written there.

 

I could use some help in getting over this hump so any input would be appreciated.

Two Inches Tall and Growing

I haven’t blogged in a long time, depression probably was the main culprit that kept my fingers still. I guess caring for my mother 24/7 could have contributed to my lack of productivity too. The Alzheimer’s that slowly destroyed my mother’s brain took her life on September 19^th.

I’ve been back home in Colorado for four and a half weeks, those weeks have been filled with grief but not just for the loss of my mother. Disappointments that have plagued me for years and years are being faced for what they are and I’m making choices. I can allow my life to be stagnant…just continue on the path that has become a rut or I can step onto fresh ground, ground that God has staked with signposts saying, “come this way.”

One of my Christmas gifts from my daughter-in-law is the book, Start by Jon Acuff. I’ve only begun reading it but already my spirit is happy. Jon tells about the five stages that will take you from Average to Awesome. They are: Learning (happens in your 20’s), Editing (your 30’s), Mastering (your 40’s), Harvesting (your 50’s), and Guiding (your 60’s and up).

According to this I should be guiding but since I’ve not put all my energies into the path I should be on I’m starting at the beginning…Learning. So even though I am in my 60’s by the calendar, because I am beginning a new course I’m back in my 20’s. Woo Who, I like that!

I’m looking to discover who I am as God sees me. I’ve learned my self-perception has been viewed through filters that are not true. I’ve pressed down so much of myself that I feel about two inches tall. Discovering that all that is wrong in my life is not all my fault has been freeing.

I’ve got a lot of work to do to unlock the prison I have put myself in from wrong beliefs but at least now I know I can have a different life. A life more pleasing to my Lord Jesus.

Writing is my path and I jump on and off it not taking it seriously as my call from God. I want that to change and the gift from my daughter-in-law is a nudge from God telling me to “Start.”

Looking at my “writing bookshelves” I searched for a book that would encourage me to begin writing again. I picked out Behind the Stories – Christian novelists Reveal the Heart in the Art of Their Writing, complied by Diane Eble. As I’m reading the stories of some of my favorite Christian authors and their ups and downs on their path to writing for God I want to put the book down and pick up my pencil.

This morning I opened my emails and at the top was a blog post from writer Jeff Goins putting out a challenge to writers to commit to writing 500 words for thirty-one days.

Okay God. I hear you, I know it’s time to get serious. There is work to be done.

I may stumble and fall back into my rut but I have a daughter-in-law who believes in me and a God who won’t give up on me.

 

If you’d like to take Jeff Goins challenge you can find the information on his blog page.

http://goinswriter.com/